Rants

Hi All!

I’m going to be writing a new series about my life as a cashier at a store owned by a major worldwide retailer. The series will contain stories and situations that I encounter while working. While I will not mention names of actual persons nor my real employer, all stories contained will be based on actual events. (Don’t need to get fired again by a company that wants to get rid of me! Although I think I’m actually respected and valued at this job, not like the job I had in Maine.)

Fast-forwarding to today, here’s where I stand…

I’m a cashier in the front-end of a grocery store owned by a major big-box retailer, (if you really wanna know who, it’s easy enough to find out who I work for, it rhymes with “All*Mart) and getting hired by them saved my ass as far as bills and finances goes. They pay me more than my last job, for doing less work and having less responsibility, (with the exception of the money-handling part) and the best part, I’m actually VALUED as a human being, instead of being just another seasonal jerk-off who get’s taken for granted. (Update: I can assure you that the only people at all*mart who value you are your fellow coworkers, not your managers, not your customers, nobody else.)

I run the company’s standard register which is pretty straightforward, youve seen them at your local super-store and they are easy to use. We don’t have the spiffy new touchscreen registers yet or the receipt printers that print on both sides of the tape to save paper, but maybe someday!

Now, my job as a cashier at this particular location involves handling transactions for two different areas of the store, the market (95% of the building) and the liquor store (the other 5%). Personally, I prefer the liquor store because it’s quieter, there are more cameras for protection, a holdup alarm and I get to work with little to no direct supervision. Plus is gives me GREAT material for this blog!

The market is much busier, more people to handle, more money, more debit cards, more food stamp transactions and the dreaded “WIC”.

I wont get into “WIC” today, but rest assured you’ll be hearing a lot on this topic from me over the next few installments. Basically, WIC sucks.

Food stamps are another thing that really piss me off. Now, don’t get me wrong, I think the food stamp program is great, it provides funding to people who really need it in order to use their hard-earned money for things like bills and rent instead of having to spend a quarter of their income on feeding themselves. But I think that first of all, going through the process of getting food stamps (at least in Florida) is a fucking sham. Personally, Tori and I have been trying since we moved down here to get set up with the program, but we havent been able to yet, even though we are eligible. Then the other killer part, EVERYONE IN FLORIDA HAS FOOD STAMPS!!! Seriously, let’s say I do 500 transactions a day, 400 of those will be on a food stamp (EBT) card!! So apparently, is real popular down here. Hey assholes in Tallahassee, I’m still waiting for mine!!!
The other thing that drives me fucking batshit is when these obviously poor, under-educated, deep-urban people and families roll up to my checkout and drop 40 metric tons of shit food on my belt. Items like, chips, candy bars, bulk bags of candy, 10 slim jims, 15 gallons of soda, 3 packs of gum from the checkout lane, and another 20oz bottle of coke for the drive home. (or bike ride, or walk.. Let’s not over-glorify these cretins) Then these retards have the balls to reach into their wallets and flash an EBT card in my face! At this point I clench my teeth and fight the urge to beat and strangle these fuckers right in front of their 5 malnourished children.
Another thing, apparently the state makes these EBT debit cards out of material no stronger than a strip of tissue paper, either that or people have absolutely no sense to protect these cards, because about 70% of the cards will not swipe through our pinpad. Now, to some people’s defense, a portion of these cards are brand new and still have the silver coating on the numbers, so it’s obvious that the cards are just poor-quality. But the majority of these cards look like they just got issued from the late Yokozuna’s asscrack. These cards are bent, torn, broken, cracked, gone through a bench grinder, eaten by a manatee (manatees are a big deal down here, don’t fuck with the manatee!) run over by a car you name it.

Also, these people keep their cards in places that boggle my mind. Aside from the late Yokozuna’s asscrack, I’ve seen cards stored in people bras/cleavage, in pants pockets with no wallet, tossed in a purse, again with no sleeve or wallet, thrown in the grocery bag, and in some cases, left at my checkout. Now riddle me this, if this card is basically free money to by your soda and candy, wouldn’t you protect it WITH YOUR FUCKING LIFE!? I know I would and I’m only semi-responsible! People, listen, the government is subsidizing your junkfood!!! You are saving your own salary from your job at Checkers or Taco Bell so that you can use it on things other than food, like drugs or beer. BUY A FUCKING WALLET!!!! JESUS H. CHRIST!!! They cost $12 at any K-Mart or hell go to a god damn Goodwill!

So if the card doesnt swipe, what is a poor, under-educated, deep-urban cretin to do?! How will they ever get their candy and junkfood?! Well rest assured that there is a backup plan, entering the number manually into the register so that it can authorize (for some reason unknown to most reasonable people) the $97 purchase from Wonka’s gift shop. So here’s the process, get to checkout, off-load the booty, wait until I scan everything and give you the total, and then proceed to thrust your card into my nasal cavity while saying “IT DONT SWIPE YO! YOUZ GOTS TA TYPE IT IN FOR ME DAWG! LOLZ”. Seriously people, just looking at the card I have the clues necessary for me to make an educated guess that it wont swipe. The magnetic track is gouged and broken, the embossed numbers are almost ground flat, the card has a giant crack through it which renders it almost in two pieces and the graphics are so dull and faded that it makes this card look like it was either left over from the revolutionary war or was found in the debris fields from Hurricane Katrina (Too Soon?).

Either way, I get it okay? I’m a professional cashier, I see this shit many times an hour, dont insult my intelligence and tell me the card wont swipe when it looks like it went through a woodchipper. Would you roll your hoopty into the mechanic after it was hit by a train and tell him it doesn’t drive straight? Well, these people might…

Ok so now I need to type in the card number.. I wear glasses ok? My vision is corrected to 20/20 in both eyes, but these cards are in such bad shape that I STILL CANNOT SEE YOUR FUCKING CARD NUMBERS!!!! Is it too much to order a new card? Now, our registers wanna make sure you get it right, so after you type in the entire number once, you have to do it again!!!! YAY! then the expiration date which is always the last month of the current year. Now there is one cool thing about this process, after that, the register will automatically separate all items that are eligible for food stamps and pay for those with the card, then show you the remaining balance for you to pay with another form of money (tender). So lets say you buy your 40 metric tons of junk food totaling $99.00 and a $1.00 newspaper. The total will be $100.00, the register will charge $99.00 to the EBT card and you’ll see “Total Due: $1.00″, this way you can just put everything together on the belt and not have to worry about holding up the line while you separate your food from non-food items. But some people dont realize this, and they get two sections going, one is all food, and the other is non-food, they use up all the separation bars on my checkout (the little sticks you put between your groceries and the fat dude’s behind you) and then the come up to me and proceed to tell me, “this is all food stamps and this stuff here isnt”… NO FUCKING SHIT!!! WOWWW!!!!! I wouldnt have guessed that, would you? I actually thought you were going to try to buy eyeliner and fake nails with your food stamp card! You are retarded, stop holding up my line and using all the separator sticks for your shit, there are other people besides just you!

The last thing I’m going to mention is how people roll up with 100 items and they seem to have no clue how much is on their food stamp card. From what I understand, the gov’t deposits a set amount into your EBT account on a specific day, it’s the same day every month and the same amount. But these assholes apparently assume that its unlimited and they can just spend and spend without ever keeping track because at least twice a day I’ll get that dude with the 100 items and it turns out he’s only got $3 on his card. Now, this is no problem if he is prepared to actually cover the balance on another form of tender such as a bank card or in cash, but I wouldnt be writing about it if that were the care now would I? Let’s say for simplicity that they have 3 items, a 5lb. bag of candy ($5.00) and 2 steaks ($2.50 each). Their EBT card has $5.00 on it.. The total rings up $10.00, and they say, “OH SHIT FOO(L), I’s ONLY GOTS DA $5 BUCKS ON DA FOOD STAMP CARD YO!” Ok, no problem, I’ll print a slip that is basically a reciept without all the logos and satisfaction surveys on it and it lists everything I’ve rung up, and the item price. I hand it to them and say “Just let me know what you want me to take off”. So then they have the nerve to say, “AI’GHT FOO(L) PUT BACK THE STEAKS BECUZ I NEEDS THE CANDY.” Wait, what? You need the fucking candy?! How do you NEED candy?! Whatever, you make me sick and I want you out of my checkout line as soon as possible, you give humanity a bad name. So, I void the steaks and set them aside and charge him for the candy.. Wow…

Ok, well now that I’ve gotten that off my chest, I think it’s time to rest up for my next shift so I can get more material for future articles. But don’t worry, I’ve already got enough to last me a while.

Let me know your thoughts on the whole food stamp thing, if you use them, are you one of the bastards that buys junkfood? If not, what do you think about those who do? Comments are moderated but I’ll post anything that isn’t spam or a personal attack.

Thanks for reading! – JCWEBDESIGN